To Whom It May Concern:
Webster’s Dictionary defines “pre-” as a prefix meaning “earlier than” or “prior to.” In my heart of hearts I knew that to be true, but I had to do my due diligence to double check the definition. I was vindicated. You see, I understood the implication of adding “pre” to a word. I presumed that everyone did. It appears that you, on the other hand, did not.
In the not so distant past, I had previously purchased one of the comfiest shirts I have ever owned. It was a short sleeve tee for one of favorite bands to listen to when I’m pregaming to hit the hottest LA spots: Turnover. The comfort reminded of being a prepubescent child in a king size bed with a down comforter to match. I thought to myself, “Damn, D-Dawg. You gots to get yourself into more of these fly shirts.” I immediately peeped the tag to find out who made this miracle possible. I prematurely assumed it was Gildan or Hanes. Nay. It was Alstyle. Of course! It should have been obvious. Who else would be capable of creating such a glorious garment? I did what I do best and hopped on my pre-2011 Macbook Pro (quality really went downhill after Steve Job passed away). I navigated to Alstyle’s website and found my way to the 1901. THE shirt. It’s got that set-in rib collar with shoulder-to-shoulder taping. You know it’s gotta have that double needle sleeve and bottom hems. It’s available in twenty-three colors. TWENTY-THREE! It’s the Michael Jordan of color selections so it’s gotta be the GOAT. Most importantly, these bad boys are preshrunk. Pre. Shrunk. Now, being a trendsetting LA fashionista, I like to wear my tees big. So I got three big guys. And my brothers and sisters, these things are prime. I love ’em. I wanna fill my wardrobe with them. I wanna bathe, eat, sleep, and get my grind on in these bad Larry’s. And baby, you KNOW I will. But then something awful happened one night. D-Dawg had a few too many cocktails and got a bad case of the damn-I’m-hungry’s. So I stopped and grabbed a ‘Shroom Burger from Shake Shack (respect the veg). What else was I supposed to do, you know? My eagerness got the better of me and in my haste of trying to get that fungi into this fun guy, I dribbled a little Shack Sauce on my 1901. Damn. So, I finish ripping that ‘burg, taking my lady friend back to my crib, yada yada yada, I gotta do some laundry. In addition to my sheets and some towels (ayy, you know how I do, playa), I needed to wash my 1901s. I take good care of my stuff so I put my tees separate and wash those bad boys first. I pretreat (because I’m not a mongoloid) and get them ready to go. Toss ’em in on gentle and watch ’em go. After they’re done taking their bath I remove them and gently put them in the dryer. Now at this point I’m thinking, “Preshrunk. No shrunking problem.” But to err on the side of caution I’ma put them in on TDL (tumble dry low). As the tumbler tumbles, I sit back and await paradise. A wiggle or two later, the buzzer gets my attention. The 1901s have landed and are ready to hit the town. I take out Black Beauty (a personal favorite) and pull that guy over my head, down over my gold chain, and down across my chiseled abs. But something’s not right. It’s snug. It’s slim. Baby, this thing must have been in the pool because we’ve got shrinkage. My Large Farva was now a Long Island Medium. L – M? N – O – P! …E!
So here’s the long and short of my story. I bought some tees preshrunk and now they’re pre-junk. I would return them but they’ve been worn and washed. I just want some help. I want some guidance. I want that comfortable big tee for Big D. What can we do? How can we fix this? How can we make this right? I need you, Alstyle 1901s. And I hope…and I pray…that you need me to. Let’s do this together. Me and you, 1901. I love you.